2018 dystopia logbook: happy piss year

Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson
Courtney Love, and Marilyn Manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in

Postby Milquetoaster Strudels » Tue Jun 12, 2018 11:12 am

bongo wrote:
Eyeball Kid wrote:We did it, we're actually living in Infinite Jest

dominos to fill in president trumps concavity

I was just talking with a friend last night about how Trump will probably start dumping toxic waste at the border any day now. We truly live in the dumbest times
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Postby an otter » Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:49 pm

i know it's an oldie but this came up again,

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-s ... department
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”


“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
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Postby walt whitman » Tue Jun 12, 2018 1:06 pm

jesus thats great

i tried explaining libertarianism the other day, i think i'll just send them this short story instead
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Postby Shalabi » Wed Jun 13, 2018 12:07 am

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Postby object » Wed Jun 13, 2018 9:02 am

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Postby tgk » Wed Jun 13, 2018 11:51 am

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Postby Kenny » Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:47 am

Never forget, other opinions are available
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Postby loaf angel » Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:22 pm

tgk wrote:

hope to gather enough content in the near future to create a new thread dedicated to people whalin on some robots
goldsoundz wrote:i'd bang that moron
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Postby Prof. Horatio Hufnagel » Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:55 pm

tgk wrote:

lol 'early insight'. this is about as profound as people inevitably wailing on vending machines a bit
Gnome Sane
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Postby worrywort » Thu Jun 14, 2018 5:06 pm

well how do you explain this!

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Postby mascotte » Fri Jun 15, 2018 5:36 am

Raped and decapitaded
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Postby black mamba » Sun Jun 17, 2018 4:24 pm

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Postby mascotte » Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:58 am

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Postby Paul » Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:13 pm

The Logan Paul PRESS CONFERENCE was at LA Coliseum and had 12million online viewers lmao

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Postby medicore bob dole gimmick » Mon Jun 18, 2018 8:13 pm

Donald Trump Space Force belongs in here
Life is very important to Americans.
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Postby mascotte » Mon Jun 25, 2018 11:01 am

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